"Golf is a difficult game, but it's a little easier if you trust your instincts. It's too hard a game to play like someone else." --Nancy Lopez --
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GOLF JOKES
A slow day on the course, the egotistical club pro was sitting at the 19th hole. He spotted a lady golfer and proceeded to turn on the charm, sure he would score a date.
He kept telling her what a great golfer he was and bragged that he couldn't get anyone to play with him anymore. He was sooooooo good at playing golf that everyone knew they didn't have a chance of beating him.
"Do you know what my handicap is?" he asked.
The female patron finished her drink, deliberately looked him up and down then responded, "Gosh, there are so many I just don't know which one to point out first."
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Two old friends had not played golf together since the beginning of the season. "Your game seems to be worse than the last time we played." said the first guy. "I've been depressed," said the second. "My wife's divorcing me." "Well that's terrible," said the first. "What happened?" "I made a five and half footer on the eighteen green," he replied. "So what's wrong with making a putt?" the first guy asked. "It wasn't a putt, it was a brunette."
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A tourist was playing an exclusive club that he had won a free round on. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the constant criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world."
The caddy grinned, "That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence."
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Two women were strolling through the Pro shop when one of them pointed to a full set of clubs that included the Calhoon "Bigger than your Head" driver and fairway woods. "Look at these Betty. I just got a set of these for my husband"
Betty picked up one of the clubs, gave it a quick waggle and replied, "Wow, what a great trade."
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An elderly gentleman returned home from a round of golf and was cleaning his clubs in the garage. Soon his loving wife strolled out and asked how he played.
"I think I'm just too old for the game. I can still hit the ball well but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can't see where it lands."
"Oh, my darling you are 72 years old. Your eyes are just not what they used to be. Why don't you ask your brother to go with you, he has perfect eyesight."
"Burton is 81 years old and he doesn't even play golf anymore."
"I know he doesn't, but he might enjoy riding along with you in the fresh air."
The senior stroker relented and called his brother, who agreed to accompany him the following day.
Hitting a fine shot on the first tee the golfer turned to his brother and asked "Did you see where that one landed?"
Proudly, Burton responded "Yup"
"Well where is it?"
Burton appeared confused, looking off into the distance. He scratched the side of his head and replied "I forgot."
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As the expectant parents in the weekly Lamaze class were getting settled, the instructor was emphasizing the importance of physical conditioning.
"Natural childbirth is a wonderful experience, but it takes a great deal of physical endurance." lectured the instructor. "Walking is one of the best ways to build the needed stamina."
One of the expectant Fathers in the back of the room interrupted, "If endurance and stamina are what we are trying to achieve, it would really help her if she was carrying a set of Golf Clubs while we walked."
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A hacker was playing in a 2 man tournament. He and his partner were paired with the club pro and his partner. Eager for some free advise the hacker asked the pro if he could see anything wrong with his swing.
"There is one obvious flaw." said the pro, "You are standing too close to the ball, after you hit it."
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An amateur was leaving the clubhouse, heading to the practice green. As he was making his way down the steps he passed Lee Trevino. "Mr. Trevino!" the amateur started, "I have admired you for years."
"Thank you very much" replied Lee.
"There is one thing I always wanted to know. How do you make the ball spin backwards on the green?" asked the hacker.
"Before I tell you," started Lee, "how far do you hit a 5 iron?"
"I guess around 130 yards" came the reply.
"With that kind of distance, why would you want the ball to come backwards?"
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An old man and his grandson were off for a round of golf. Coming to a dog-legged par 5 the grandfather explained to his grandson, "When I was your age I would drive it over those trees, and leave myself an easy second shot to make the green in 2.
The grandson accepted the challenge and aimed his shot over the trees. His ball wasn't high enough to clear the 50 foot monsters and landed in the middle of the woods.
"Of course," began the grandfather, "when I was your age Those trees were only 8 feet tall."
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"Martha, shut up!" scolded the golfer to his nagging wife. "Shut up or you will drive me out of my mind!"
"That wouldn't be a drive," retorted his wife "That would be a short putt."
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